And yet

Dear Me, 2008.

One day you will see how difficult most people find it to bring a child in to this world and to raise them. The perfect child and the perfect path through these early days is all a myth! It’s extremely difficult, it’s relentless, but it is possible. The truth is, most people find it difficult, but are afraid to admit it because you’ve been given such a precious gift. That rosy picture of harmony and happiness you crave is is a picture others have led you to believe should be true.

I hope you can believe me that it will get easier and with help you will come through this all wiser and a lot stronger.

You have an incredibly strong character, have a little faith in yourself . You are still there and you are still you, in amongst all that fear and anger and frustration. Be kind to yourself, take time and try not to feel guilty about how you feel. People are there to help and you must let them. Eva will still be Eva, and you will still be you, she will love you with all your faults and she will not remember this difficult time.

The future is bright the future is rosy, I do promise you that.

Be kind to yourself, and not too hard on yourself.

Love,

Me in 2017

Dear 2010 me.

Well, here we are, 7 years later and I bet that’s a time hard to imagine but I can tell you that sometimes those days seem long but the years have flown by.

You feel so scared for her, overwhelmed by your responsibility and more so by your love for her but darling, it will get better… and harder… and better again.

As one part of parenthood gets easier, another challenge arises, but that is life.

Try to roll with it all – don’t overthink every aspect of this journey. They will be fine and you will be fine.

The hardest challenges in life are also the most rewarding.

Trust me. Trust all of it. You will still struggle but know the days will always get brighter again.

Love,

2017 me x

Dear past me.

I know you feel like you want to fall asleep and not wake up, utterly self-loathing and worthless. Looking back, I want to embrace you, tell you that you don’t need to be afraid. Your worries, obsessions and compulsions make you want to hide away… but you don’t need to. I wish you could see that, rather than waiting for years to venture out of your own emotional world, that grey cloud that surrounded you.

You’ll learn in time that you need to give time to yourself, not burn out giving all your time, energy and strength trying to be the perfect mum. You’ll learn to forgive yourself, rather than berate yourself, for moments you perceive as weakness and you’ll come to find the value of asking for help, from loved ones and from your doctor. I wish I could remind you to seek out the simple things that make you happy and give you perspective and strength.

Importantly, you’ll learn to accept your anxiety as part of who you are, and make peace with that. You’ll learn to be kinder to yourself and that will help you to feel liberated, honest and authentic. Oh, I wish I could reassure you with what I know now!

Please take comfort, and know that things will get so much better. it feels currently so overwhelming to you, but there is a resolution that doesn’t compromise your inherent self. Your girls are well and happy and you’re expecting a little boy soon to complete your family. You are so much stronger than you think.

Your mental illness may well be part of you, but ultimately it doesn’t take anything away from the essence of you. You are still creative, a nurturing and loving mother; and a good friend, however much you’re unable to see that at the moment.

Hang in there.

Love from 2017 me x

Dear me in 2006

You can. You will. I know you don’t believe that at the moment though.

Meg is 11 now, she is funny, clever, sensitive and independent. You’ve not failed her – you’re doing great.

I know you think it’s your fault she was born early, it really is not true though. Listen to Stuart, he’s a good man and great support – I wish you had leaned on him sooner and not shut him out.

You don’t have to pretend everything is OK. No-one will judge you if you ask for help.

I know you are doubting your ability as a mother, try to believe in yourself and stop comparing yourself to others.

11 years on and you’ve not turned in to your Mum yet! I manage to get on a lot better with her now, and the children adore her. You don’t have to do it her way, remember that.

Feeling like you can’t cope is normal. I still feel like it sometimes now. Just don’t do it alone – talk about it. It’ll help, I promise.

Stop criticising your body – it is amazing and grew two amazing children.

You are a great mum and you’re doing a fantastic job. Keep going and be kind to yourself.

2017 me xxx

Dear me in 2007

I wish you could see how powerful you can be, how much you can achieve. I know you feel rotten and worthless, but you’re doing so much more than you realise – your daughter is nine now and says she’s learned how to be positive and think positively from you. I know that contradicts everything your thoughts tell you at the moment; you’re mired in self-doubt… that’s honestly not you. it’s a symptom of an illness you’re going to overcome.

I know you’re troubled by the intrusive thoughts your brain chemistry is creating, but you’ll learn, and eventually accept… and believe that they’re not representative of you. On the contrary, they’re your worst fears played out by a subconscious mind desperate to protect you and this precious child you’re so very keen to be the perfect mother for. I want you to know that there’s no such thing, and it’s OK to let go of that, to stop putting so much pressure on yourself.

You are both flawed and imperfect people, you and your girl, and so naturally (and healthily) times will sometimes be hard, challenging and frustrating.

But you are good enough, you’re doing a great job.

Please remember that and be gentle with yourself.

With love, 2017 me x